Saturday, September 29, 2007
Three Reasons of NOT Having the Relationship of Your Dreams
Some people have the relationships of their dreams, but most people don't. Most people are secretly suffering and settling -- stuck wishing things were better without much chance of change.
What's the difference? What keeps people trapped in dead end situations?
There are three main reasons why people don't have the relationships of their dreams.
Reason #1: Blaming their partner for the problems. "It's all their fault!"
The first and most obvious reason is blaming their partner for everything. They think, "If my partner would only change, things would be perfect." This is such an easy trap to fall into, but if you think about it, it's very dis-empowering.
Why?
Because it implies that your future and happiness depends on somebody else changing. And when you think about how hard it is to change your own behavior (as in dieting, quitting smoking, working out, etc.) you start to realize that this strategy is not going to be very successful.
Reason #2: "People know what to do, but they're not doing what they know."
Some people don't have the relationship of their dreams because they are not willing to do the things that they know would help transform the relationship.
This is often a spin-off of reason #1. After-all, "It's their fault, why should I change?" It also may be because of past programming, conditioning and baggage. But whatever is stopping you, you may be unwilling to lead the transformation in your relationship.
Reason #3, "You are willing to change, you just don't know what to change."
The last reason you might not have the relationship of your dreams, is that you don't know what to do.
You don't have the tools, skills and training to deal with the emotional, impactful and important issues that come up in relationships without taking it personally or making it personal -- without attacking or defending.
Doctors learn the language of medicine. Attorneys learn the language of law. Plumbers learn the language of pluming. And couples need to learn the language of compassion and understanding for relationships.
You may not have the specialized skills you need to listen effectively so your partner really wants to talk openly and vulnerably with you.(Most people don't. not even doctors and lawyers. Look at their divorce rates!)
Or, you may not have the skills that will allow you to talk in a way that your partner will really want to listen and understand you.
What's the difference? What keeps people trapped in dead end situations?
There are three main reasons why people don't have the relationships of their dreams.
Reason #1: Blaming their partner for the problems. "It's all their fault!"
The first and most obvious reason is blaming their partner for everything. They think, "If my partner would only change, things would be perfect." This is such an easy trap to fall into, but if you think about it, it's very dis-empowering.
Why?
Because it implies that your future and happiness depends on somebody else changing. And when you think about how hard it is to change your own behavior (as in dieting, quitting smoking, working out, etc.) you start to realize that this strategy is not going to be very successful.
Reason #2: "People know what to do, but they're not doing what they know."
Some people don't have the relationship of their dreams because they are not willing to do the things that they know would help transform the relationship.
This is often a spin-off of reason #1. After-all, "It's their fault, why should I change?" It also may be because of past programming, conditioning and baggage. But whatever is stopping you, you may be unwilling to lead the transformation in your relationship.
Reason #3, "You are willing to change, you just don't know what to change."
The last reason you might not have the relationship of your dreams, is that you don't know what to do.
You don't have the tools, skills and training to deal with the emotional, impactful and important issues that come up in relationships without taking it personally or making it personal -- without attacking or defending.
Doctors learn the language of medicine. Attorneys learn the language of law. Plumbers learn the language of pluming. And couples need to learn the language of compassion and understanding for relationships.
You may not have the specialized skills you need to listen effectively so your partner really wants to talk openly and vulnerably with you.(Most people don't. not even doctors and lawyers. Look at their divorce rates!)
Or, you may not have the skills that will allow you to talk in a way that your partner will really want to listen and understand you.
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